“When you are in love you can’t fall asleep because reality is better than your dreams.”
-Dr. Seuss

I know…again with the quotes. But this one, ever since we were all kids, has played a great part in our lives. I’ll try to explain this one for you guys.

Throughout our lives, we will meet hundreds of people, date a few of them, and hopefully end up with one of them. The main question is: How do you know who that one is?
As you’ve seen in my first blog, the first part of BoBH, I’m trying to help those confused, broken or lost hearts as best as I can with what knowledge and experience I have.

Let’s continue on:

2. To be or not to be? Why not both…

You’ll learn something over the years. Either now, later, or when it is too late. Hopefully this will allow you to realize it before it is too late.

Allow me to explain this in simple terms:

You have oranges. Each orange is a different part of you. A personality trait, a look, a fashion, a quality, everything that makes you up.

Your partner has bananas. Same situation, each one a different part of them.

You can live for the majority of your life off these oranges. Of course, oranges are great! But after awhile you realize you’re going to OD on these oranges if you don’t get a change of pace. This is where your partner comes into play

But wait, she wants you to stop eating oranges, and just eat bananas. At the start you’re like, Yum! I love bananas! But give it a little bit and you’ll start looking like one. You leave banana-freak, and return to your oranges, again getting tired of them over time. Now imagine someone who is willing to share half and half, you have an orange for every banana. Never getting tired of the same thing and getting the benefit of bananas and oranges.

Now bring it back to real life. This whole metaphor circled around the perfect combination. Partners can be “all bananas, all the time” or maybe “THEY’RE MY BANANAS! BACK OFF”, which still does not work. No one wants to change, and frankly, I don’t blame them. But people need to realize, no one is perfect. You have to learn from your partner and be open to be taught by them too. Allow feedback to become that better person, not only as an individual, but as a partner.

Returning to the title, why not both? Be who you want to be, stay the same person, and be the one that everyone loves, especially your special someone. But as well, what you never thought of being. Take feedback; learn to be a better person and a better partner. Perfection comes over time, but be open to becoming a better person all around.

3. Don’t fake a smile.

Love will make and break hearts. Love will find you that special someone, after it’s found you a few others. Love may put you in scenarios that you never imagined yourself in, and put you with people you never wished you would’ve met.

Love can only do so much. The rest is yours to deal with. Here are two quick rules to follow:

i)                    Don’t give up or lose love when the going gets tough. The best relationships are those where the couples fight (within normal bounds) and resolve their problems. You can’t give up.

ii)                   Don’t fake a smile. If you’re brain and you’re heart agree, if she’s not the one for you, then don’t drag the strain any longer than necessary.

Plenty of times I’ve been in relationships where you debate the feelings you are having and the decisions you’ve made. The only thing I’ve taken out of this is that you need to be sincere with yourself and be honest with your partner at the time. If you realize that he/she is not the one, and you don’t see a future, it is best to end the strain on the heart that will last until you are honest with the both of you guys.

I apologize it took me over a week for my second part; this week has been hell with midterms and papers. If anyone has any questions, comments, or suggestions for future topics, please feel free to reply to this and let me know.

Thank you for reading and hopefully this helps you out, whoever you are.

Stay good,
Stay strong,
And stay out of trouble.

-Andrew

In a William Wallace (Braveheart) voice: “They can take our lives, but they can never take our FREEDOM!!”

Many have seen that movie, many have heard these words (probably even recited improperly), but no one realizes that these words are something to live by on a day–to-day basis. These words, along with other famous quotes, become the foundation to a good inner-strength. I will, throughout my BoBH (pronounced Bob) blogs, explain the importance of this quote and of the others, but for now, let’s start at the start. Start off on a good foot, with some rainbows, pixie dust and a bucket of sunshine.

Now that you’ve realized the point of these blogs, I want you to realize why I’m here. I, myself, have been through my fair share of relationships. From the best, long-term relationships, to the utterly terrible, short-term disasters, I’ve dealt with many situations. Now don’t get me wrong. I’m no guru; I’m no man whore or some “know-it-all”. Recently, I’ve come to notice that many boys, like me, go into relationships without realizing what they are doing, what they want and the changes that may need to be made.

That’s why I’m here. I’m that little voice inside your head, hopefully leading you to happiness with whoever that person may be.

Just like sports, video production, cooking, you need to have a pre-“game” plan:

Step 1:
Foundation for the Future.

The main thing is that both parties involved know what each other want and agree on it. Hell, sign a contract if you want (we all know how some women can alter the “understanding”). Choose your destiny is pretty appropriate to this topic. First off, figure out what you guys “are”. Is this relationship a serious one (long-term or just a short-term one)? The famous “friends with benefits”? The “no-friends, just benefits” combo? Feel free to create your own, individually or as a couple.

But wait! Don’t just think present, maybe even look into the future. Obviously no one is asking you to be like Nostradamus, but talk about the future with you guys. Do you see this “friend with benefits” deal become a serious relationship? How fast do you want to move in a relationship? Basic understanding is the foundation of this relationship.

Step 1.1:
1+1=1?

I only created this step recently; I’ve come to realize its key importance in a successful relationship. I’ve called it 1.1 because it belongs fundamentally with the foundation, yet is not necessary and can be watered-down if preferred.

This step, I believe, can be mainly used for the serious relationships, but can be changed for whatever plan you have created for the both of you. Now remember, this step doesn’t have to be a cannonball attack (all at once), it can be more like a grenade explosion, with several pieces hitting you at different times, and slowly letting the pieces sink in.

What I’m trying to get at is that you need to understand the other person’s likes, dislikes, hobbies, preferences, turn-ons, turn-offs, etc… Like mentioned before, feel free to sit down with each other and just let loose, telling everything, starting with a clean and open slate. Or just over time, mention something that you like or dislike. But for the love of all that is right…do not get mad at the other person if they did not know. They don’t read minds! Explain to the person why you like or hate that thing…make it clear and understandable.

This is why it’s 1+1=1. If you want to understand the other person, and for them to understand you, you will need to become “one” and share what is necessary to make the relationship fun, exciting and enjoyable.

This will be it for this blog. Those are just a few quick tips to start off. If there is anything you guys want me to talk about or discuss more in depth, feel free to ask/recommend. I’m open to all.

And remember: Stay good, stay strong, and stay out of trouble!

Peace.

Andrew

I don’t want to give off the impression that I have a foolproof reason as to why guys cheat but, I do have a few good insights on the issue. I do not intend to rant or to offer excuses or explanations here…but I want to provide a bit of insight on the issue and perhaps a bit of support for those who may have experienced cheating or who might be questioning a relationship they’re in. Although this refers to men, I want to be clear that women do cheat too and both cases are equally appalling and sickening.

            First, I want to set down my definition of cheating: to me cheating is doing anything that you would not do in the presence of your girlfriend or boyfriend. This includes dancing, buying a girl/guy a drink (unless they’re a friend and it’s their birthday or a special occasion), touching arms or hands in a flirty manner, cuddling on a coach, bed or chair together even if you’re not making-out, etc. I’ll make it simple, if you wouldn’t do it in front of your boyfriend or girlfriend because you know they’d be mad, jealous or uncomfortable…there’s probably a good reason for that.

            It seems that cheating in relationships have unfortunately become the rule and not the exception. Most women will go through an unfaithful relationship…but why? Why should this be alright? The answer is, it shouldn’t. Some men (mostly those who cheat) seem to believe they’re entitled to make these mistakes and take these liberties. They see cheating differently than women it seems, and it’s unfair that we should have to be the ones to put these limitations on their actions when it seems like common sense to us where to draw the line. We come out being the “bad guys” and feeing guilty about not trusting our men or about not giving them the liberties their friends might have. So, I want to just take a quick second and make something very clear for anyone who thinks they’re on the verge of cheating. If you are in a relationship you’re unhappy with or seeing yourself starting to stray…either smack yourself good and hard and refocus your attention to your girlfriend, or get out of the relationship. Do NOT stay around and wait to see if your relationship regains its spark while you avert your attention to other women.

So, here it is, my insight on the cheating guy: a few reasons why he cheats, what to look for in that type of cheater and what to do when you suspect infidelity. Keep in mind, these are only suggestions and insights from my personal life and therefore should all be taken with a grain of salt.

1. Men get bored in their relationships: When this happens they start to seek excitement elsewhere. This is dangerous and unhealthy. Guys, if this starts to happen to you, you should talk to your girlfriend and either reassess your happiness with the relationship, or break up. If you end up breaking up, so be it, it’s nothing compared to the havoc you’ll wreak if you continue redirecting your attention elsewhere while still in the relationship.

-What to look for: In this case the man will likely start going out more frequently without you, he will spend more time with his single friends and will become less attentive to your needs.

-What to do: Confront your boyfriend directly. Tell him that you’re not happy with the way the relationship is going and that you’ve noticed he’s starting to lose interest. If he doesn’t deny this give him an ultimatum, let him know that you’re willing to work on the relationship if he is, but if he wants to peruse other women you’re not going to wait and see how it turns out.

           2. “Unintentional” cheating: this may begin at first in a relatively innocent manner… by this I mean, the reality of his actions may not be in the forefront of his mind at first. However, underneath every cheater’s actions are intentions for one thing: something outside of the relationship. This may be another woman, it may be an urge to be single, it may be unhappiness within the relationship or fear of its progression…whatever it is, the result is the same, a man strays.

-What to look for: The start of this kind of cheating may not be noticeable at first, but the individual will begin to take more and more liberties until they are in too deep. It’s easy to become paranoid when watching for this type of cheating as the problem may be very subtle in the beginning. The guy may start doing small things you’re uncomfortable with, like dancing with a friend who is a girl or commenting on how good another woman looks. He may start doing things unrelated to cheating, but that ignore your requests and concerns.

-What to do: Again, you must confront the guy, don’t let small things slide and become large problems you hang on to and ruminate about. It’s best to talk about them and let him know your concerns. Be careful not to do this in a demeaning manner, but rather as a serious conversation about the relationship.

 3. Some men are simply not relationship fit…This of course is by no means an excuse for them, however, it seems as though these individuals even when they’re in relationships desire attention from more women. In a sense they’re never satisfied.

-What to look for: These types of men are generally easier to spot, they will often think of themselves as above you and capable of getting anything they want. They also will likely have problems abstaining from anything they enjoy, especially flirting.

-What to do: If you’re in a relationship with someone like this chances are you rationalize their unacceptable behaviour as just part of their personality; but like I said, if you’re in a relationship…flirting is never ok, being a man-whore isn’t a personality, it’s a lifestyle, and it’s a lifestyle unfit for a relationship, so if they want to be in a relationship it should be changed.

             During cheating the unfaithful individual may become withdrawn, angry from accusations, accuse the other individual of not trusting them and they may begin making obvious slip-ups in their excuses or reactions. Suspecting you’re being cheated on will cause you strain; you may feel you’re to blame, guilty for doubting and stressed over the unknown.

            I just want to point out here, that ladies, if a man cheats it is NEVER your fault. Men cheat though their own decisions, it is THEIR actions and THEIR decision that has resulted in cheating, you do not force them to do it. For this reason, do not feel guilty or that you could have changed it in any way. Instead, be thankful (bear with me) because the relationship has ended. Although it may not feel like it at the time, it is a blessing in disguise. Any time that you have left to live your own life without this individual is precious and you WILL live an amazing life without them although it will take time to get over what happened especially if the relationship was a large portion of you life and/or it had been around for a long time. As long as you focus on the future and the positive and not the past and the negative, you will prosper more than you knew possible. With this being said, never regret the time you spent with this individual, because if nothing else it was a learning experience (it may not seem like much at the time, but to go through it once will make any relationship after it much better). As long as you are positive about future relationship and internalize what you’ve learned from past ones you’ll be fine and much the wiser and stronger.