How to Break Up and not Break Down
05. Mar, 2010 
18 Comments
So perhaps you don’t love your partner anymore, or maybe you have different goals in life, or who knows, it could be that you have just stopped getting along. Regardless of the reason, you have come to the conclusion that it’s time to end the relationship.
However, before this moment, you believed the hardest place to be was the dumpee, but now that the tables have turned, you realized you were wrong.
So very wrong.
Breaking up with someone has been proven to be one of the hardest things to do as someone is bound to get hurt. And surprisingly, even though it was your idea, it will end up hurting you more than you expect.
For this reason, I have outlined some ideas to help you Break up and not Break down.
Make sure you want to break-up. You really have to think about this. Ensure this is not a temporary feeling and that it is something, without hesitation that you want. I say this because, once you lose them, more than likely they will be gone forever.
Do it in Person. With the rise of technology, it may seem simpler to break up through text message, msn or via Twitter or Facebook; however, this is one of the worse things you can do. I know this is tempting because it’s much easier for you, but it would also be a type of betrayal. I know it’s hard, but you owe your partner the ability to look him/her in the eye when you break up with them.
Be mature and honest: A relationship is based on trust and dependability – don’t prove you’re unworthy in your last moments together. Sit down with them and explain everything you are feeling and why you think this is the best scenario for the both of you. You also get brownie points if you get a response of “I understand” or “I agree.”
Take Responsibility. Don’t blame him/her. It is already unbearable for the dumpee, don’t make it worse. Take the responsibility for what is taking place and hope that they can relate with your feelings. It’s also important to let them determine when the conversation is over.
Be understanding. It is incredibly important to listen to their feelings and reactions. Do not interrupt or contradict what they have to say. They will listen to what you have to say, so give them the same respect.
Give them space. At first they are going to be angry. Very angry. This is expected. Don’t try to tell them that they are wrong for feeling like they do. In time, they will get over it, and when they do, you will both feel much better.
Avoid dating anyone for a long time. So, I know this is super hard and may not happen, but if you want to have a good chance in staying friends, this step is necessary. If you don’t they may just think you merely broke up with them to be with someone else. If you absolutely must be with someone else (early after the break-up) do yourself and your ex a favour and try to keep your ex from finding out.
Avoid going where your ex might be. Running into the ex when you or him/her are not ready will be incredibly awkward. Not only that, but it will set back the healing process… almost like ripping off a band-aid when a cut isn’t completely healed.
Stick to your decision: Yes, I left this for the end, but it is so true. Do not delay the break-up further. I know you are hoping that things will get better in the future, but this is rarely the case. Plus putting it off to avoid causing pain will not make things any better. In fact, the longer you take to break up, the harder it will become.
Overall, just keep in mind that there is no painless way of breaking up with someone. No magical words, or powerful things can take the pain away. All that can be done is following these steps and avoiding some common mistakes. This way it will make the pain less for them… and more importantly, for you as well.
About The Author
This stuff is so true. I’ve always found it hard to even stay friends with an ex because it’s never been the same as it was before I started dating them. I find it easier if we just go our separate directions and leave it all in the past. Definitely some great tips, a lot of which I try to follow. Great job.
Stark,
Thanks so much for you comment – and a very valid one at that. I actualy thought my ex and I would stay friends… but it ended up being too different and we realized we had nothing in common besides the fact we had a relationship together.
Thanks so much for your kind words, I appreciate it greatly
I would have to admit that those are excellent examples. I know from expirience it is extremly hard.I enjoyed reading your blog keep up the good work
Derrick,
Thanks so much for your comment as well. I am sorry to hear that you had to go through that experience. I guess we can only hope a mild pain experience for everyone else who may have to go through the time and hope that we won’t have to go through it again.
I appreciate your feedback.
Hey April
you know your stuff and this comes from someone who’s been there.
Steve
Steve,
Unfortunately, you are right, I have had to be there and I still wish it could have had a different outcome than it did. Perhaps I didnt follow my own steps as well as I should have. Easier said than done sometimes, wouldn’t you say so?
Thanks for reading my blog.
Great Blog,
I wish I would have had some of this advice with my last gf. It definately would have helped but I made it through.The points you mentioned were awesome.
You’re right about the pain on the recieving end as well.
Anyway keep up the good work.:)
Great blog April!!!
Sniff… I still miss him. Ever wonder if you made the wrong choice?
Then what would you do?
Hi April,
I would firstly like to point out that the title of your article does not accurately describe the content of your article. This piece is primarily about how to dump someone. There is very little to no information regarding how to get through the breakup, except avoiding the person.
Secondly, I disagree with you that dating or not dating someone after the breakup determines the future of your friendship with your ex. In fact, I think that the only way to be friends with your ex is to both get space and live your own lives for a while. After that, if you are compatible as friends, you will be friends.
MaryMags,
I appreciate the constructive criticism. It is quite accurate that my title does not quite reflect my article. Titles, to me, are more like seconds thoughts. I think what is written in the article is more important.
That being the case, I also liked the pun that I had placed within the title; but I don’t want to mislead my readers – therefore, I understand what you are saying.
I also comprehend what you are indicating about dating. I just feel that, (as you say), “to both get space and live your own lives” these days is very hard. With Facebook and many other social media devices, it’s hard to keep the space we really want to keep.
Therefore, I feel that having a relationship immediately after the break-up, would tarnish the relationship. However, this is just my personal opinion, and do believe there are exceptions to every rule.
I value your comment and greatly appreciate the constructive criticism!
MaryMags,
I have to say that everyone is entitled to their own opinion, but I do agree with April when she says that in this modern era of technology it is difficult to give the other space. More importantly even if your ex decides they are only ‘dating’ someone it could hurt and definitely wreck any chance for friendship.
More importantly just because April has a different opinion DOES NOT mean it is incorrect, and just because it is NOT your opinion does not make yours correct. As I said before everybody is entitled to their own opinion. That being said, I do agree with you about the title, but come on, in this day in age what is truly accurate?
April I like your points here, and I believe if a break up must happen that it should be done face to face in a professional manner. Also a comment to marymags: who pee’d in your corn flakes? Now I must say that this all someones opinion and if you wish you can write your own blog, rather then bashing someone elses.
Thanks, Stewart
Hey April yet another great blog, love the title too. I agree with Stew and Alix on this one and a blog is all about opinion. And sheesh marymags I think you should write your own blog you seem to have a good view on this.
Stewart and Johnny! Way to stay strong and true!!! And way to be way opinionated! You should both come and check out my blog I think you would really enjoy it! It’s a fun slang ridden blog that reaches to a couple different types of people! Thanks again!
I honestly think it’s impossible not to be affected by a breakup. Your hints/clues are useful but will not take away the pain. The pain is not going anywhere. It’s been months.
Jennifer,
I’m sorry to hear about the pain you are going through, I know it doesn’t help, but I have been there, and have wished for anything to take the pain away.
That being said, it WILL get better, no matter how much you think I am lying to you.
As to the steps, nothing can really prevent any pain, but these steps seem to make more bearable.
Good luck.
Jennifer, as someone who went through a TERRIBLE (the police were called…trust me, it was terrible!)break up in January 2009, I can tell you, it will go away! It’s been over a year and I am just now starting to feel like myself. It takes weeks, months, maybe even a year or more, but eventually you’ll move on. Break ups happen for a reason – so something better can come along. Just hang in there.